That went really well for a while.. Then I started to feel alone or scared or annoyed and I reached back for the blanket of nostalgia. This time it wasnt something negative at all. It was the very opposite. Very wonderful experiences that I had right before I left. I would wrap myself up in this blanket when I felt alone in the world. It has helped. Though being wrapped in nostalgia still takes me out of being present in the moment. I am still on the rode to finding balance with that. My goal is to reach for that security of nostalgia less and less and learn to sit in whatever disconfort or coldness the day brings. That is the goal.
Friday, April 6, 2012
The Things We Carry
I have been having a problem with Nostalgia. I carried things with me when I came to service. Things not packed in suitcases but in my heart and mind. One day I woke up in the middle of night struck with anger and extreem sadness. It had had nothing to do with my Spanish studies, or tech class, or any of my trainess. It had to do with a situation at home. That night I felt so heavy, I searched through the package that my stepmom had packed for me and found my meditation cds along with some inspirational mixes that she made for me. I had to do some hardcore meditation to let go of the stuff I was carrying. Later I spoke to my Daddy and he gave me very sound advice. He said "Tempest, leave that stuff where it is. It does nothing to serve you. Let Philly stay in Philly. Let it go because you can't carry that stuff and fully experience what you are there to experience". He was so right. I resolved to let things go. To be like the characters in Song Of Solomon, one of my favorite novels, and carry nothing.
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Finding that balance. I like old things. Some things I just think can't compare. Even things that not even great memories become grander over time. Battling between memories of the past and life in the present is something I fight everyday. Especially considering the early demise of my parents, both mother and father before I finished high school. Sometimes I just wish I was back there...Thanks. It really is a :blanket of nostalgia" at times. -C.Rogers
ReplyDeleteTemps, have you ever read the book The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien? It's about the Vietnam war and, well, the things they carried into battle. Especially in relation to this, I think you'll enjoy it (it's one of my favorite books of all time).
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree. We are here, for this time, to be. To exist in Panama, not only as part of our communities, but as part of the Peace Corps Family and as part of the Panamanian family. But, these things that we miss, these things that we carry, they are what built us, what put us in this place to be able to pause our lives for two years and come here. We carry some of these things because we're afraid to put them down, afraid to see what will happen if we give something the chance to leave, but other things, memories, nostalgias, we carry because they shaped us. We carry because we need to remember them. Because there are somethings that to forget means to lose ourselves.
Do you mind if I take this idea and play with it on my own, either on my blog or in short story form? I have an idea, I'm just not sure how it will play out. Digame, sister.
Oh yes I love the book as well. You are also free to run with the idea and see what amazing things you can get from the concept of baggage or nostalgia or mindfullness. It fruitel ground I would say. So plant your seeds and see what grows! Excited to see it when it's finished.
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